Do not eat this blog.

I am now going to take ideas from a random plotline generator and flesh them out a bit. The results, I hope, will be entertaining, informative, and only slightly sacrilegious.

Sarcastic tycoons plot against each other.

In late 1863 I received a windfall from a deceased relative who I’d never heard of, and realized that it would probably be wise to invest it somewhere.

So I traveled from my home to New York City to meet with potential investors in  Cornelius Vanderbilt’s new railroad expansions. Mr. Vanderbilt explained his plans:

“You see that railroad down there linking Albany to New York? I’m like, totally not going to buy it. Because I’m stupid enough to think it’s a poor investment. Yeah guys, because like, these steamboats I own are totally the way of the future. I might as well just retire now because there’s no way I could be making more money than I already could. In fact, I don’t even know why you’re here, it’s not like I wanted to explain my new business plan to you or anything.”

Regrettably, Mr. Vanderbilt’s attempts at wit failed to inspire my confidence in him. I decided a wiser investment might be with Jay Gould’s Erie railroad. I went to a similar meeting of investors on the other side of town.

Mr. Gould greeted us all, then explained his business plan:

“Ooooh, look at me, I’m Cornelius Vanderbilt! I think I’m so great because I can buy up railroads instead of building them myself! I’m sure glad that I have enough money that I don’t have to do any work!”

To emphasize his remaining points, he jumped up on his desk and began to yell.

“I AM SO HAPPY FOR VANDERBILT RIGHT NOW!” exclaimed Gould. “I COULD JUST KISS HIM! YES, TRULY HE IS THE GREATEST HUMAN BEING ALIVE AT THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT IN HISTORY! I BEG ONLY TO BE ALLOWED TO SHINE HIS SHOES, OR TO BE ALLOWED TO LOOK UPON HIM AS HE WALKS DOWN THE STREET! WHY, IF I SAW VANDERBILT RIGHT NOW….”

Unfortunately I cannot recount the remainder of his tirade, because in the interest of preserving myself, I took my leave. I decided that perhaps this was not a wise time to invest, and resolved to wait to see what the markets did after the war between the states.

The roommate of a prophet searches for treasure in a kid’s room.

“Jesus Christ!” I yelled from the couch.

“Yes?”, he replied from the other room.

“Where’d you leave the Holy Grail? Your angel friends used all the clean glasses and I need something to put my beer in before the commercial break ends.”

“Uhhh… I think it’s in the Son’s room.”

Oh God, I thought to myself. Not more of this trinity crap again.

“I heard that!” he yelled back to me. Augh.

I couldn’t stand Jesus’s room. Full of crosses and bread and fish it was. And sandals. So many sandals. Jesus was a nice guy and all, and was great at parties what with his water-into-wine miracles, but honestly, he kept house like he was raised in a stable.

“Is this it underneath your box of tiny crucifixes?”

“Yep.”

I took the ancient holy relic and poured myself a beer and went back to the game.

During the 1950s, stunt doubles try to find out what to do after high school.

Jeff and George were talking as they walked out of school into the parking lot.

“So George, you wanna go have a blast at the burger joint after school?” asked Jeff.

“Sure thing Jeff” said George.

“Hey, watch out!”

“What?”

“DUCK!” yelled Jeff, as a tractor trailer filled with gasoline exploded behind them. They jumped in slow motion away from it and then walked away without looking at the explosion.

“Third time this week, Jeff.” observed George.

“Yep.”

They brushed off their clothes, and they walked to Jeff’s car. When they got there, they saw George’s girlfriend Betty already waiting for them.

“Hi boys!” said Betty.

“Hi Nancy- uh, I mean Betty…” said George.

Betty suddenly became enraged. “I knew it! You’re seeing another girl! Well, I won’t stand for it anymore!” She pulled out an AK-47 from her exceptionally large bag. “I just got this off a red in town! I’m going to kill you now, George, and then move to Russia to live in a glorious socialist paradise and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!”

She fired 30 bullets at George, who ducked behind a conveniently placed 55 gallon oil drum. The oil drum promptly exploded, throwing George through a brick wall and knocking the assault rifle from Betty’s hands. Betty fled the scene as George stood up.

George stood up and tried to brush off the mortar dust that he was now covered in. Realizing it was a futile task, he gave up. He walked over to Jeff, shaking off remaining bits of bricks.

“Say, George” said Jeff, “Where is Nancy anyway?”

“I think she’s up at Lookout Point with Fred.”

The distant sound of an enormous explosion rocked the parking lot and broke most of the windows in the school. Shards of glass flew through the air and George and Jeff ducked for cover.

“Sounds like it” said Jeff.

They jumped in the car, and burned rubber out of there.